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Last night I had a dream that the Church persecuted me for being heterosexual.

I was talking to D last night about (among many other things<3) how I felt like my faith was sort of shattered in LA and how I felt like I was struggling to pick up the pieces. I told her how hard it was for me spiritually because I kept going back to certain churches and KEPT picking fights about sexual fluidity. Maybe it was my fault for being difficult. I didn’t know why I kept bringing it up as if I was going to change people’s minds. It only made politics get in the way of my own spiritual fulfillment. I went to sleep thinking that maybe I should just agree to disagree for a while. Obviously, it was not a serious thought. Even my subconscious called me out on my bullshit.

IIII’m just going to continue to make small group discussions very uncomfortable and be as belligerent about my beliefs as I can LOL. Because I realized that that’s a bottom line for me. Normally, my line is murky. I often find myself trying to gauge whether certain comments are worth getting offended over. I have extremely high standards for my close friends, but otherwise I am actually really forgiving. I try to understand that everyone comes from different backgrounds and that their beliefs are informed by different habitus (ughhhh, I wish I could just be belligerent).

But I guess I found my line! Hearing homophobic comments in church literally makes my fingers curl. No, not toes. Fingers. Into a fist. I get up the wall angry about it. It drives me crazy. Curious, because it offends me deeper than racist/sexist comments. Sexuality is supposed to be an aspect of identity in which I’m privileged, but it’s homophobia that hurts me most. It literally haunts me. It haunts me because I can’t stand the thought of God…the Father who I know to love beyond human capacity or comprehension..I can’t stand the thought of that name being defiled and used in the name of hatred and oppression. I just loathe that there are Christians out there who hate themselves because they think that God hates them for who they love.

I hate that they make you believe that you must not love God right for being gay. I hate that they made me believe that I must not love God right for daring to think these things at all.

I talked to my mother about it tonight. It was very impromptu and I had always sort of tried to avoid talking about this to her (lest she pull me out of Grinnell for being a pagan-hippie). But we were talking and homosexuality came up (…because…I may have brought it up. I NEED TO STOP KEEP DOING THAT!!!) We barely elbow grazed the topic though. We didn’t even have to go there. There was a split second where I could have changed the topic, but then I remembered some of the hurtful things she’s said in the past and decided that even if she wasn’t gonna say any now, I never ever wanted to hear those things from her ever again. So before she could even speak, I blurted  “I think it’s  wrong to say that homosexuality is wrong. I reallyreallyreallyreally can’t stand it when  anyone does it.” (I make up for my deficient Korean vocabulary by repeating the same simple adverb over and over again. I think it REALLY drives the point home.)

It was an involuntary blurt. Crap. What would she think of me now? But I had to. It was basically my version of a warning: “GO NO FURTHER. BEWARE, MOTHER. I WILL TRANSFORM INTO A CRAZY BITCH.” Turns out, the warning was unnecessary. She admitted to me she was struggling with what to believe. She’s read about gay pastors. And she can’t stand the homophobic comments in the Korean forums that she browses. We talked about it for a long time. At the end of it, she told me that she still wasn’t sure what to believe. But I think the conversation gave her a lot to think about.

I just cannot believe that I had that conversation with a 45 year old Korean/Presbyterian/immigrant woman. I cannot believe that woman was my mother. It just made all my arguments with pastors, youth group leaders, and fellow Christians that have gone absolutely nowhere totally and completely worth it.