Confession? I almost didn’t want to come home.

Finals were done with, hell weeks were over, and I could finally sleep again.

But I felt like I could keep cranking out papers like a sleepless machine. Like I’d finally crossed a finish line but I wanted to keep running because I realized I wasn’t running towards anything. I was really just running away from…real shit.

It felt so surreal “coming home.” I hadn’t been back in such a long time. Last winter break, I no longer had a bed, no longer had a room. This time, I would no longer have…what? Because I felt like somewhere in the seven months that I had been running, I had changed courses so many times, had forgotten where I was running, had possibly lost pieces of myself along the road.(Sidenote: Lawls, I’m chuckling now because this extended metaphor has LITERALLY happened to me. I got hopelessly lost in Central Park at the first [, last, and only] track practice I participated in high school. Yeah, it would happen to me).

I just was scared of coming back to a place that had forgotten me when I felt like I had forgotten myself.

I completely knocked out on the plane ride back. I woke up to an aerial night view of the city lights. For some reason, I was scared of seeing those lights because I thought I would feel all displaced and shit. But wow.

Headlights, crawling neatly through intersections of bridges and highways like ants on fire. Streams of streetlight, glowing like veins of molten lava. And strings of light strewn throughout the (already) illuminated junctions, twinkling in and out like tiny stars. Almost like they’re Christmas lights, I thought with a smile. And then I realized that’s exactly what they were.

Gosh. Words can’t do it justice, obviously. But the view didn’t take my breath away or anything. It just made me really happy.

And that’s how I’ve been feeling ever since that view. I should be blown away daily by the amazingly lovely people, places, and things I’m surrounded with everyday (mostly the people :’-) ). But I’m not at all. I’m just left appreciating and without words that could possibly render how beautiful everything (namely you all) is and are, and it just makes me really happy.

I remember last winter, I kept telling Jenny that I was scared. I was scared because I was moving and everyone else was moving, and I was scared that I would come back and we would have all moved in different places and directions.

But you guys have all shown me that I had nothing to be scared about (thankyouthankyou). And honestly, I still feel like life is a coin toss hanging in midair right now, but that wait no longer feels precarious. I feel like I’ve realized that the toss is rigged. The coin is double sided. I win no matter what.

So FUCK monsters under the bed, I’m ready to go go go go go.

Dec

26

2011

9 notes

Notes

  1. lazychateau reblogged this from thisizliz
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  3. pandemoniumxx said: i feel like that tooo. but now im assured of this fear thanks to you!
  4. thisizliz posted this

CUDDLE FUDDLE by DEDDY