musicbox

It’s late.

I just finished a 12 page paper (assigned to us a WEEK ago! smh) + I’m sick + I’ve pulled two all-nighters in three days + I have cramps + I just finished a newspaper article + I just gave a speech + blahblahblahblah.

My roommate is convinced I’m a walking dead person, because I apparently should not be alive right now.

I certainly felt like a walking dead person all day today.

I’m not going to class tomorrow. Classes today nearly killed me. I couldn’t do it.

I’m wired on caffine again, so I decided to do this!

1. Be nice. I really never understood the whole “bad boy” thing. (Jika, that’s your thing). I think it’s so twisted. And by nice, I don’t mean just nice to me, but in general. If I catch you underhandedly going out of your way to do something like make someone shy feel more comfortable, and not take credit for it, I’ll have a LOT of respect for you.
2. But be nice to me, especially. :) I insist on taking care of myself. But it’s really really nice when someone takes over, just for a little bit, even when I’m pushing them away.
3. Be patient with me. Don’t make me feel guilty just because you know you can.
4. Make me laugh. I like to laugh. It makes me happy. And if you make me laugh, that means I’ll be happy to be around you.
5. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. I get a little offended when someone claims they like me when I haven’t even given them the chance to know me yet. That’s crap. Like me for me, not the idea of me. Actually show interest in getting to know me. Not what I could do or be for you.
6. Make me a sandwich.
7. Make me trust you. I don’t know how. People don’t know this about me, I think, but I have trust issues.
8. I’m a techie now (:D!) so I feel like I have to put in a cheat code. Feed me lots of chocolate over an extended period of time. Be sneaky about it, if you want. Then, by the forces of the law of association, I will eventually love in love with you. You can probably train me to do things too, if you’re clever enough. I bet Sarahb already figured it out. (Woof).

1. I’m not ticklish. It surprises a lot of people because I laugh all the time. But I don’t think grabbing at my stomach or poking my neck is funny in the slightest. I just don’t get the concept.
2. I can kick my nose.
3. I’m Christian, first and foremost. That’s the biggest part of my identity. It’s almost a shame to say that because I feel like I fall short of so many things spiritually. But it’s not like I’m on this constant state of condemnation. It’s more of a struggle to love others above myself because I myself am already held up by this amazing and other-worldly love. It’s hard to explain so many aspects of my faith. I know some people think it’s foolish or naive. But it really makes the world go round for me.
4. I process things really slowly. If I repeat what you just said or if I ask you the same question you just answered, it just means that I’m stalling.
5. I am INCREDIBLY easy to guilt trip. I can feel guilty over anything, and it’s the worst feeling in the world to know that you are responsible for letting someone down or hurting somebody. Ironically, the guilt tends to screw me over by making me feel more guilty a lot of the time. The way I respond to guilt is to get out of the way. And when I get out of the way, it tends to let people down even more.
6. I tear up when I’m tired. Or bored. Or sad. Or just feeling any strong raw emotion in general. Incidentally, I also laugh really loudly and have a fixed smile on my face if I’m feeling happy. I think I just like to be really expressive. That’s why I’m a terrible liar. I’m extremely easy to read.
7. If I bake for you, it means I love you! I don’t particularly enjoy the process of baking. I just really really want to take time and care into making something that you might enjoy or appreciate! It’s incredibly satisfying. I can’t bake if I don’t absolutely love someone. I’ve tried. It doesn’t work.
8. I used to want to be the pink Power Ranger…and then I wanted to be Sailor Moon…and then Beyonce…Okay this is embarrassing. I feel like this belongs in the 10th confession day.
9. This was a hard list for me to do. I’ve gotten self-conscious talking about myself. I’ve been trying really hard not to be so self-absorbed lately, but maybe that’s a self-absorbed thing for me to say in the first place?

Image courtesy of sarah of sarahisbetterthanliz.

To dream that you are struck by lightning, symbolizes irreversible changes occurring in your life. You are undergoing a permanent transformation.

Showers of lightening. They didn’t hurt at all though — they were tingly and rejuvenating..

We laughed and danced in the rain.

1. You are hilarious and smart and artsy. I love, respect and admire you, you judgmental bitch. JK, I kid. Seriously though, I’m really glad we’re friends. You help me be a better person. Kthxbai.
2. Thank you for making it so easy to stay in touch with you. I miss you so much, but I almost feel like we’re taking our separate adventures TOGETHER, for some reason. I don’t feel any disconnect with you. I love you, and I will never meet another you! Don’t forget about us because we belong together…babayyyyy!! <3
3. I love how our lives sort of intersected at this single point, and then we rapidly went off in our separate ways. We have COMPLETELY different upbringings and backgrounds. We barely have anything to tie us together, yet we work fine. I still call you my best friend. You’re still the first person I go to when it seems like I have nothing and no one else in my life. I don’t know if I’ve ever told you how much I appreciate our friendship, but I really do. Sorry if you ever think otherwise. And please continue being a part of my life.
4. We’ve drifted some. Well, actually, you LITERALLY drifted from us. Drifted all the way across the world. You said that you wanted a clean cut from your old life. I’m sorry that your situation was that bad for you to have wanted that. I wish I was there with you for those tough moments. I wish I was there with you now. Sometimes I still remember back to our 3 AM convos and think that you’re still the person that would most understand something that I’m thinking. I hope you find happiness. Try not to be so cynical! You’re just another softie looking to be understood. Don’t be afraid to be a little vulnerable. And thank you for staying in touch with me! We drifted, but we never drift far.
5. I sincerely hope you find what you’re looking for. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. It’ll be here for you always. Also, don’t be afraid to be happy. You may not be as misunderstood as you think you are. I worry about you lots, but I never worry for you. Because I know you’re gonna be fine.
6. I miss a LOT of people, but how the HELL did I end up missing you this much? You wouldn’t know this, but you came at a time in my life where I really really needed a friend like you. So, thanks for being there.
7. I think I just need some time. We parted a little abruptly. And then I just heard some things you said that I didn’t know about. It’s all in the past, but it still hurt. I’ll get over it.
8. (to my little brothers and sisters) I really do miss you. And I feel like such a jerk for not being online lately. SORRY ABOUT THATTTTTTTTTTTT. Really reaaaaalllllllyyyy sorry. I want you all to know though, that I stalk all of you. And if you’re reading this, that means the stalking is mutual, right? Which means that we’re sort of kind of communicating? Yes? No? I’m a jerk? Wuuuuuuut? FYI though, I don’t really go on AIM anymore (if you haven’t already noticed, haha). But fb me and I’m getting back to you. Snail mail me and you will most definitely get snail mail back. In fact, I’ve been doing really well with responding to letters. And I keep all your letters in a drawer that I like to go back to occasionally when I need them. Or you can always shoot me a text. It really doesn’t matter if your text doesn’t say anything funny or substantial or relevant. Send me pics of ny! Send me pics of yo face! Send me a song you’re listening to right now! Say hi =). Whatevvvah. Or don’t. Honestly, feel free to stay as in touch with me as much or as little as you want. Don’t feel pressured to stay in touch. Either way, just know that you guys are in my heart and I’m not in the middle of nowhere moving on and forgetting about you guys. Nuh uh. Every stalk of corn I see reminds me of your beautiful faces.
9. Ohana. <3
10. Please stop apologizing to me. You have nothing to be sorry for. I turned out fine and I should be thanking you a million times over for that. But every time I talk to you now… I just don’t understand. What if those are the last words you say to me? I wish I could tell you that your letter made me cry. I wish I could tell you that as proud of me as you say you are, I’ve always been INCREDIBLY proud of you. I don’t think you know that. I’m sorry that you don’t.

So it’s a good one. Sue me.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

I’ll probably do these sporadically. Don’t wait for it.

It’s getting chilly. But just chilly enough to wear whatever the hell I want with a cute cardigan on top. I really missed the other half of my wardrobe upon first coming here, but I’m okay now.

Especially since my roomie and I are sharing clothes. <3

Yeahh, I get my clothes like I get my musaq.

• That article on micro-financing. (And I’m getting paid for it, yeahhhhh).
• I know I’ve been really really busy. But on top of school, friends, clubs, I worked at dining. At one point, I was working five shifts a week, which is basically a full time job. I admit, I’ve been incredibly spoiled when it comes to chores, but my dining job taught me how to cook pasta and stirfry, how to PROPERLY clean windows, how to clean grease off of grills, ect. ect. It’s an incredibly humbling and tedious job. But it was all worth it when I got my earning statement: $400 bitchesssssssss! In less than a MONTH. I’m ridiculously proud of myself. Because I just realized that my mother does not need to put in ANY money to Grinnell. With the money I’ve saved up over the years and the money I’m making now, I’m actually COMPLETELY supporting myself. The money that’s going to Grinnell, textbooks, food, health insurance, ect. is all mine. (Ofcourse, it helps that they basically gave me full ride, anyway). BUT IT FEELS SO GOOD!
• OKBIGNEWSCANTCONTAINIT!! You ready? I got TC!!! YAYYYYY!!!! Which means I don’t have to work dining anymore! Which means I get PAID to learn about computers. Which means I get a supercool rainbow beanie with propellers on top (that is, if I make it through training). Which means I get TC parties, access to the TC office (which is basically a lounge), and have the coolest job on campus. Chyeaaaa. They hire based on whether or not they think you’re the right fit for the team, and not based on computer skills (obvi) because they teach you all of that. Wow, I though I completely flunked the obstacle course. They blindfolded this one guy and I had to navigate him through an obstacle course, have him open up a word document, and type “I AM DONE.” in five minutes. All words and no touching. I couldn’t finish. But I guess not too many people could!
  Oh! Oh! And and I just got my very own TC access account today that’s my account for the next four years. I think they distribute your password based on your personality/idiosyncrasy. My password is SUNSHINE. :D
• My group is doing LAURYN HILL for our Black Women and Neo-Soul class presentation!! I drew the name out of the hat myself, and I screamed when I got her. I felt like I accomplished something, even though all I did was draw a name. SO PSYCHED. (I’m looking at you, Jedika).

Hmm. I just drank a LOT of coffee to plow through a massive amount of work, and now I can’t seem to fall asleep. I hope this doesn’t affect my 8 AM anthro presentation in three hours because I just worked really hard on that.

So wassup? Wanna hear about my life? I feel like I haven’t talked to you in a while.

“You shouldn’t be doing this article. You don’t know what you’re doing”

Those were his exact words. I know because I have it all on tape.

What the hell. This was my first article for the S&G, I was given less than two days to do it with just a topic (SEG—Microfinancing) and an e-mail address. I ran around trying to track SEG people down for the better part of the two days and now this professor I hunted down last minute was telling me that I shouldn’t be doing this article in the first place.

I took the article because Barbara from Project Bridge got me interested in micro-financing during the summer. Do you guys know about micro-financing? You basically lend money via an organization that connects you with individuals in third world countries. They borrow your money, you help jumpstart a business so they can support themselves and then you get back that money. In turn, they put money into investing in other businesses. It’s a huge web. It’s proven to be incredibly effective and Barbara believes it can help save the world.

I wanted to do this article. And now after some sleuthing (I’m a sleuth! teehee!) I was finding out about this top secret local project that no one wanted to tell me about but I was pretty sure I was expected to write about.

“OK,” I hear myself say to the professor as calmly and as composedly as I could. Wow, it wasn’t a brilliant response but I gotta say I’m pretty impressed with myself. I go on with the interview.

The interview lasted for about an hour. At first, the professor started talking about micro-financing and SEG in general. Then he started talking about the local project. I’ll just attach my article here, so you can read about the project if you want (it’s a newspaper article, so keep in mind it’s supposed to be impersonal and concise). But wow. He got really really passionate. He started tearing up. I started tearing up. Wowowowow. Stories of abused women who need that $1000 to get out of their situation, ect. He was so so smart but it was also so personal for him. He really cared. That’s why he dedicated his life to learning. Because he cared. I think he could sense that drive in me too.

After the interview was over, I don’t know how, but he just started asking me about my life. And I talked. I talked about where I grew up, how I grew up, and why that made me care so much. I talked about my classes and why I was taking them. I talked with certainty about the uncertainty of the things I was passionate about. I talked about my desire to do something, to learn something, to find something. I talked.

And he talked. He was nearly jumping out of his seat with excitement as he gave me advice, talked about his own anthro/socio background (yup, that was what he majored in) and just gave me lessons about life.

“I’m sorry I barked at you earlier. I sort of acted like a bear. You see, I have my own anthropological bias. You have to research and understand the background and its context before you can write about anything.” I smiled. For some reason, I just imagined a lion pawing away a mouse and then doubling back to apologize to the mouse for being cranky.

I left tearing for some reason. I was just so thankful that I got to write that article, but at the same time was completely overwhelmed by the amount of work I had to do. So happy I got to have that amazing conversation, but I knew that I couldn’t do it justice in a 500 word newspaper article. Grateful that I get to be surrounded by really awesome new friends, but wishing I could fast forward to the part where we’re really really close. So tired already but already ready for the next day.

I came back to my room to find this e-mail:

Liz,
It was a pleasure to meet you!  You are just the kind of person that Grinnell needs. I think you will thrive here!

Best,
Doug

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Apparently, I haven’t said this yet so I’ve left a lot of people hanging about my college experience, but yeahhh! It’s wonderful here!

There’s just a LOT that’s happening.

But I want to talk about my Education in a Pluralistic Society class that I’m taking now.

Williamsburg Bridge always says that he hates institutionalized education. And Elijah Kuan definitely had a bone to pick about the things we learn. I think education is so important in the way that it molds our minds to think. Education can control notions like racism, political ideology, and even our treatment of others. It all starts from our preschools.

My education class is extremely diverse. I’m just one of the two first-years that are in the class. Everyone else is older and they all have different fields that they’re passionate about. There’s a psych major (named Liz!) who’s really into analyzing mob mentality and working around the psyche of a child’s mind to influence learning. There’s a philosophy major who really likes to incorporate Socrates’ theories into class discussions and who asks deep questions in the middle of class that shuts us all up. There’s a poli sci major who applies political theory into all his arguments. As for me, I definitely think that I come from a sociology-ish background. It’s just interesting having a class where all of these subjects come together, and we discuss how we can impact lives.

For a recent homework assignment, we had to write a This I Believe speech. The prompt was to write a speech talking about something that we believed should be taught in schools.

Now, I said that my class was really diverse studies-wise. In terms of color, not so much. There are probably 5 people of color there in a class of twenty. And a couple of those 5 are international students.

I tried to avoid it, I really did. But in the end, I ended up writing a speech about race. Yup, I went there. I’m just reallyyyy worried about it, because it’s a very white bread class. Race is a touchy topic in general, and if you don’t do your argument justice, you end up offending a lotttt of people without teaching anyone anything. I have to give the speech in class, apparently. I’m a little bit afraid. But I’m glad I wrote it. I couldn’t have written anything else.

I’ll post it here, if you’re interested. I was a little frustrated with it because I felt like I still had a lot more to say about the subject, but couldn’t fit it in. So if you have any questions about it, or just want to talk about it, just let me know! Gosh, I miss SLI discussions.

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